衛星 (Eisei)

I have run out things to discuss. Let’s ramble.

  
Here’s my Trump supporting co-worker. She looks like a Trump supporter. She’s eating beets out of a can. Whole beets. And blueberries. She’s also secretly racist. She thinks Obama is a Muslim and started ISIS. I think she tolerates me because I’m only half black and I don’t fit into a stereotype. I’m disappointed in her. She’s a great gardener though. 

  
This is one of my best friends. We love going out and eating together. In that way, we’re a bad influence on each other. We should be saving to go on a grand trip together but we can’t because she is here in America on a work permit. She’s lived here for 15 years but that doesn’t matter in America. The only way for her to get residency at this point is marriage. The government can take her taxes, regulate her life, and require her to pay $1500 every two years, but can’t grant her citizenship. In that way, America is a piece of crap. 

  
Here’s a picture of me. I’m currently writing an article for the Los Angeles Times on asexuality and I hope it makes it to print. The more I have under my belt, the sooner I can apply for Write a House. I also would like to purchase a razor scooter. I used to have one but my half-brother stole it and sold it. Life is hard sometimes. 

Here’s a song I listened to on the way to work. 

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衛星 (Eisei)

偶然 (Guuzen)

偶然 (guuzen) – by chance; unexpectedly. 

I had an appointment with the nutritionalist on Friday and I’m down 7lbs. Which is fab because I’ve been stress eating and also not eating and neither is healthy but it is what it is. I’m working on it. 

  
Since the nutritionalist is on the other side of Downtown (for those not in Los Angeles, I live near the beach, which is about 20 miles from Downtown, or an hour of driving on a bad day aka everyday), I decided to take my time getting back home since Waze said approximately 1 hour. I stopped in Koreatown to my favorite Korean music store and picked up a few items. First was Taemin’s new album Press It which is seriously amazing and I’m going to post the music video below. Please watch it and tell me your feelings about it. More specifically, I want commentary on the video itself, rather than the music. 

I also purchased Kangnam’s Chocolate EP because I’ve been playing it a lot on my way to work. Korean album packaging is the equivalent of American special/deluxe/ultimate packaging. You get photos, an autograph card, coupons, everything. So I don’t mind paying $25 for collectors items. A desk calendar was also purchased to go on my desk at work. This trip was relatively inexpensive compared to my last trip where I spent more because I got posters (for my new apartment which I don’t have). I couldn’t really take pictures of the music store because they sell sketchy illegal products and they watch you like a hawk. 

  
I decided to peak my head into the grocery store and buy dried squid, because they only sell it at Asian stores. I like seriously love dried squid. I’m sorry. It’s delicious and the perfect snack/meal. I already feel nervous about going in because compared to most other cultures, Koreans are very…. untrusting. And it’s not their fault! They’re from a very homogenous society and there’s that whole language barrier thing. Could be just my anxiety (there’s a terrible story about my 1st attempt to shop there. Maybe I’ll post it later).

I end up grabbing galbi (a Korean cut of short ribs), fish cake, kimchi, barley (I have an obsession with barley tea), the squid, and a special flour blend. The checkout is the best part: you essentially size up the cashiers to figure out who can speak the best English to assist you. 

 

I choose you!
 
Driving through Downtown is a weird nostalgic feeling for me. I remember being fresh out of high school and walking through Skid Row (several blocks of Downtown occupied by homeless citizens and drug users) to get to punk shows. Now, they’re kicking out the homeless and converting historic buildings to Whole Foods. Downtown Los Angeles is not like other metropolitan cities. You don’t go there unless you work there, you don’t have a place to live, or you have official business there — at least that’s how it was my whole life. Now they’re building condos and luxury apartments in the middle of dirty streets and charging insane rent. 
 
You can see the contrast here
 

Los Angeles already has crazy rent prices anyway. My grandma lives in Inglewood — a city made famous by rappers and Dope — and she’s slowly being forced out of the apartment she’s lived in for 16 years. Her rent has jumped from $900 for a 2 bedroom to $1900. Why? Location. Just 30 blocks from her, and 10 blocks from me, a large area of undeveloped land suddenly became a tech hub. The geofilter on Snapchat calls it “Silicon Beach.” Giants like Konami, YouTube, 72 and Sunny, and NFL Network all set up shop and brought it hundreds, and probably a cool thousand of employees with them. They have to live somewhere. You know they have good paychecks. The rent for my apartment has doubled as well in the past 5 years. They built condos (or apartment homes) next door to Silicon Beach and the starting price is $1.3 million. For a condo. 

This is why I live at home. 

I’m hesitant to include a song this time because I don’t feel that anyone listens to them — and I really spend a lot of time researching which song fits the overall theme of the post. Nevertheless. I chose this song because I recently fell in love with it and it reminded me of driving through Downtown, stuck in traffic. 2 Chainz’s slow drawl rapping is really amazing. 

偶然 (Guuzen)

対人恐怖症 (Taijin Kyoufushou)

対人恐怖症 (taijin kyoufushou) – a fear of interpersonal relations. 

 
Personal post time. I don’t really have social outlets to express my frustration where half of my IRL friends aren’t lurking. This might be my safe haven. 

For those not in the know, I am asexual. More specifically, heteroromantic asexual — meaning I like boys, but not okay with the sexual part of a relationship. I am also an INFP with poor self-esteem. That combo is a recipe for disaster. I’m not a go getter. I don’t make friends. People pester me enough until I agree to be their friend. I’ve been like this always. I don’t do well in group settings that involve more strangers than friends. I’ve always had a large group of friends to create a wall around me. When I’m with friends that are close, I’m more of an extrovert than normal. Because of my closed nature, relationships are a no. If I do like someone, they’re usually a friend. And unless you’re a celebrity, in a romantic comedy, or a character in a book, dating your friends is a no. It’s hard enough finding a friend but now I have to find a potential life partner who understands and is okay with me being asexual. It’s hard. That’s what she said. 

So there’s a boy. A boy who’s presence I greatly enjoy. I cherish our one and one time, as well as our group outings. He’s so reliable. I am a shell of person compared to him. He’s got big dreams and he’s diving in feet first. I’m afraid to put my toes in the water. And I let him slip through my fingers. He accepted a teaching job on the other side of the country at a University. Here I am, stuck in a job I don’t care about in a room I share with a 10 year old and miserable as hell. I was in denial for a while. I just considered him a friend because I was scared that developing feelings would lead to a messed up friendship. That was August 2015. Do you think my feelings have changed? Not a chance. I still get butterflies when I get a text. 

The great part is, this feeling of me wanting and doing nothing is so familiar to me. I’ve never been successful at communicating my feelings. Stagnation is the moral of the story. However, there’s a twist. 

 

The last meal we had together

I get the vibe that he could possibly be either INFP, asexual, or both? Sounds like a dream right? This is good for me, right? Wrong. Do you realize how (and this is hypothetical — assuming he actually likes me back) frustrating that is? Stagnation. We’ll never be able to tell each other how we feel because we are too dang shy. I remember we went to see a movie together and I was hoping the day would continue after the movie. Do you think it did? Nah. He dropped me off at home. Using my defensive wall, my cell phone, I texted him and said, “we should have gotten some food.” A minute later, my phone vibrates. I see his name. I have too much anxiety to read this text. I wait a bit, a minute or so, bite a nail. I read it. “Should I turn around?” I hate that. I hate that he’s concise rate or caring. I could text him at 3am asking if he wants to get breakfast and he’ll respond with “I’m putting on my shoes.” But is it all for nothing? My idea  of a relationship is hand holding and bowling. What if that’s not the kind of person he is and I’m reading him wrong? Barf. Stagnation.
This is the ridiculous life I lead and the one of the many factors that give me anxiety daily. My stomach is in knots all day. 

 
Tomorrow’s post will be less depressing. Promise. 

I’ll leave you with a song we both enjoy. 

対人恐怖症 (Taijin Kyoufushou)

今 (Ima)

(ima) – in the moment, right now
I’m currently live blogging during the 10 minute break in my Korean class. I know the few minutes I have at home before bed will be dedicated to lunch preparations and maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze in a bit of Xbox time. 

We took a quiz. I think I did okay seeing how I crammed the vocabulary words an hour before class. I probably would have polished a bit if it were not for the annoying boy sitting next to me who kept bothering me— even though I have both of my earbuds in. He kept asking if i was going to finish on time, which I really wanted to respond with, “I could if you would stop bothering me.” Instead, I kept replying with a cheerful, “I hope so!” The grammar in this paragraph is probably atrocious.

 

I’m so lost
 
So my friend and I have decided to make our first C# project an app that keeps track of the movies you’ve seen this year, and your personal rating. The idea is similar to the site Letterboxd, which unfortunately doesn’t have a mobile app, but more refined because it only includes movies this year. I’ve been trying to see every major motion picture this year, a terrible monetary goal, but I’ve been succeeding so far. MoviePass has been wonderful and bank breaking. 

 

They’re doing skits now
 
 
My teacher is obsessed with The Simpsons

They changed my schedule at work so now I work 1:30pm-10pm instead of 8-4:30pm. I’m pretty bummed. 
I told you
 
This has been an informal post. But here’s a song! I couldn’t find my usual bandcamp or soundcloud, so here’s a YouTube link. 

今 (Ima)

必 (Hitsu)

(hitsu) – certainty

I stumbled upon a website today that poses a time challenge for writers. You set a time limit, and you just… type. I’m thinking of doing this every week and posting them here. Each time I’ll increase the time difficulty and change up the genre. This week’s challenge: 5 minutes and stream-of-consciousness. 

I think 2013 was the year that I saved my own life. I stopped clinging on to a person I thought was my friend. I have to admit, I miss her sometimes. I miss the way we would adventure out and have something new and exciting to say to each other each time we met. Although, I never did like the fact that she always could find error in my thoughts or actions. I never did like the fact that she could never accept me for me. She said she did, but the actions proved otherwise. 

Because I didn’t have any friends at the time, for the first time I could concentrate on things. I finally completed my first semester of college with passing grades. I actually worked hard at my job. I remember our store has closed for renovations and I was loaned out in the mean time. I was currently talking to a friend I met on Tumblr, and coincidentally, that June, we stopped speaking to each other over an argument of him coming to meet me, even though I came to see him, and it’s definitely a long, selfish story. I remember he was the only friend I had at the moment, and he was 2,000 miles away. After our friendship crumbled, all that was left was to pour myself into my work. When I came back to my original store, one of the senior employees there, said to me, “you’ve changed in such a short period of time.” I didn’t know whether or not I was a better person or a better employee. Either way, I felt like I could do it. 

I started writing more. I helped some friends who happened to be working on a zine in Hong Kong. I can proudly say I’ve been published, even if it’s small. I found writing, whether short stories or poetry to be a release. I don’t have the largest vocabulary, and I’m not the master of grammar. It is something that I need to convey my emotions because I can’t do it in real life. I wonder what I should do with all the poetry I’ve written. I decided to make a book, but who would read it anyways? No one wants to read stories of introverts weeping over unspoken crushes and discontent with life. We read to escape ourselves, not become immersed in our sorrow. 

必 (Hitsu)

逆夢 (Sakayume)

逆夢 (sakayume) – a dream which is contradicted by reality

Last night was absolutely ridiculous. I’ve never been drunk before and I’m pretty sure that’s what I was. Being drunk at a venue was a weird feeling already. I felt insecure more than usual. I think being drunk accentuated my insecurities. I confessed to my friend who I liked, or at least in the drunken moment who I thought. The headaches were caused by me making dumb decisions and way too much jäger.

The beautiful series of bridges I needed to cross on Friday

I’m having an endoscopy on Monday which will hopefully see if my stomach can handle surgery. I’m slightly pumped because I’ve never been admitted to the hospital and I get to take off of work. However, everything else that goes with it- like the actual procedure and needles, makes me terrified and want to hide under the covers. Maybe I might just do that.

 

Enter a caption

My Korean teacher presented an opportunity to study abroad in Korea for the fall semester. I’m super excited because I had saved several millions to go to Korea for a week and in a midnight decision, decided to use the money to pay off several credit cards instead. Being out of debt right is so crucial to my success as a human in general, plus moving hopefully when I go to a real university again when I cross that bridge. I am planning a trip to DC next fall so that’s my new goal. I won’t forget you South Korea. You just need to be on the back burner for a bit.

Today’s music track is called “Saturday Night Roadtrip” by Flash Flood Darlings. It’s a really chill track that I find myself listening to when I’m in my depressed moods. It reminds me of what ifs, but it also makes me feel like home.

逆夢 (Sakayume)

初期 (Shoki)

初期 (shoki) – the beginning

A lot has happened in my life since the last time I decided to sit down and write a blog post. That overwhelming feeling of nostalgia that plagues millennials is flowing throughout my body. I think I fell in love with computers when I was tired of spending hours trying to find the perfect MySpace layout, and quickly decided I could make my own.

Here I am now. 23. Still probably the same coding extraordinaire I was at 18, aka, I could make you a website for the right price. So I’m going to do what any 23 year old would do: make an app.

Now, here’s the background information: I am obsessed, and literally obsessed with all things South Korean. I’m currently studying Korean (more on this later), I listen to mainly Korean pop (with lots of hip hop thrown in, but definitely more on this later), watch Korean television (I could talk about this later – I wouldn’t rule it out), and the list could continue. I currently subscribe to 2 television streaming services that specialize in international television and movies, and things have been great. Around last March or April, I finally upgraded my Xbox 360 to the Xbox One. Greatest decision, except for one little problem. One of my streaming services, Dramafever, never made an app that could work for the Xbox One, only Xbox 360. To state that my overprivileged mind was annoyed, was an understatement. I cannot recall or not if an angry letter was sent. After 8 months of watching it from my tiny cellphone screen, or having to switch over to my Roku to watch my shows (let’s just clear the air now that I’m not rich), I got fed up.

I decided, I could do it. 12 year old kids from impoverished countries make apps all the time! It couldn’t be that hard. I decided what any person on the toilet would do, I decided to Google search, “how to make an app,” which of course is the most vague thing to search. After scrolling through countless recipes for food and programming alike, I decided I actually knew nothing about making an app, nor where to start. So weeks later, a simple text to a friend (you know, that one friend who knows everything, literally everything) pointed me into the direction of C# and Unity, which is a game engine (this is important, remember this for later) and I think that’s the direction I’m headed in now. So, periodically, I’ll try to update you all with my progress which might be nil, but I hope all 2 of you will cheer me on.

I wanted to talk briefly though, what this app means to me. Things are going to get real in a few moments. I consider myself a failure. I hardly follow through with promises I make to myself. I have zero will power. I struggle with a lot. I’m manic-depressive. Life just feels rough sometimes. I make awkward goals and feel like shit when I don’t complete them. Let’s have some examples, shall we?

  1. January 24, 2015 – After playing 2 rounds of StarCraft 2: Heart of the Swarm, I decided that I could, and should, be a professional gamer. I started beta testing Heroes of the Storm at the time, got pretty good, starting playing at the non-beginner levels and got my ass handed to me around July, 2015. Stopped playing computer games.
  2. Summer 2015 – I attended an anime convention and decided for sure I wanted to be an animator. I got home and realized I couldn’t draw.
  3. Summer 2015 – After standing outside in the cold overnight to win tickets, I was listed as a guest of honor for Microsoft (along with 499 others) and got the chance to attend their press conference and E3. I decided that I wanted to work in the gaming industry and yeah, have you seen tuition prices to be a game producer? WOW.

The list could go on. However, the point of the post was to say this- I’m trying. Somehow I decided to change my life. I don’t know when I had that realization, but I’m really glad I did. I starting going on vacations and adventures, even if for the day, even if alone, to experience new things and build memories for myself. I started hanging out with my friends more. It still does take a few drinks to get me to loosen up, but I do get there.

image1
The view from my hotel in San Diego, CA aka my new getaway city.

 

I’ve been doing better in school. I actually completed 2 semesters in a row since 2013. I work full time (although this might be changing soon but meh, I’ve got better things to talk about).  I’m doing a marathon in September (just walking, get that sparkle out of your eye). So much. I think this is how other people experience life. I’m glad I’m catching up.

image2
This is me, drunk at a hole in the wall Mexican restaurant, taking pictures of drunk me pictures. Classy.

This has been the longest first post ever but I’ll leave you with my favorite song that I go night walk/jogging to. It’s a trap/EDM song by one of my current favorite producers, YULTRON, who I’m actually seeing tomorrow night. This is his remix of Lana Del Rey’s “High by the Beach.” ♡

初期 (Shoki)