存在 (Sonzai) – existence
I meant to post last week, but in a strange turn of events, I am glad I did not.
I am certainly not depressed. Although 5 out of 5 buzzfeed quizzes says I am. I remember being actually depressed in 2012 where I did not leave my room for a month and a half, cycling through books and Netflix until I snapped out of it. One of the few memories I definitely remember during that time was taking my paycheck, cashing it, spending half of it on books I never read, and a movie. I walked home and let tears fall. I did not want to be that sad but I did not know how to fix it. There is an overlying stigma being raised in a minority family where mental health is this taboo thing and things can be cured by “not thinking about it.”
I do not have a lot of fears. I have the usual bunch, like snakes and spiders, but the one fear I have the hangs over me the most is this fear of rejection. Rejection manifests itself in many forms in my life. It is not like, “oh I applied for this job and I did not get it,” but more of “I do not want to talk to this stranger in fear that they will not like me.” A social anxiety. This comes up often where suddenly, I will lose a friend. This happened a week or so a go when a friend expressed that he liked me, but I could not return the feeling. It felt like in an instant, a friend I had imagined great times with disappeared without a trace. I tried grasping with the little I had and ultimately, it did not work. However, I am forever grateful to a friend who stepped up unknowingly to help me get through the dark place I was at. I never told him exactly what I was feeling but his words comforted me so much, it felt like a dream. In the moment where I could have reverted back to the 2012 me, I am sitting on my couch, happy.
School has been a weird process for me. As usual, I show up to class, do the work, and leave. It is nostalgic being at the university I first attended seven years ago, but this time, I do not have my then best friend by my side. I remember the first week we finished classes, we treated ourselves to pizza. That place is gone now. The campus is the same except her voice is missing. I look at the couples and pairs of friends walking down the sidewalk and I want that too. I keep reminding myself that who cares? I strolled down the club fair waiting for anyone behind the tables to realize that I was the only one browsing without anyone to chatter with. I picked up fliers for marching band and an esports club, both of which I probably will not attend because the chances of me driving an hour to campus on a day I do not have class is probably zero.
This blog post that was supposed to chronicle how good life is right now, and somehow I did the opposite. What else can I say to make this depressing? Oh, today I tried a pickup line on someone. The response was “please no.”