銘記 (meiki) – remember
I was cleaning up my Twitter account when I remembered I started this blog. I cannot believe once again, another blog project failed for me. It is almost as if failing things I start tends to be a habitual trend in my life. Let us see if I can recap the entire year and a half you missed out on.
- I quit working as a travel agent to focus on school, but then it was fruitless when my teacher dropped me because I had too many abscenses from work.
- I worked at a gaming cafe where they paid me under the table in cash.
- I tried school again in the fall. My grandfather died in the middle of the semester. I was a wreck. Dropped out again.
- Started working at a startup that was one of the best jobs I have had. It gave me the opportunity to work in the music industry, and I could work from home. The one day I come into the office, I spill coffee on my Macbook Pro. I miss you so much. Since I did not have a laptop, that pretty much nixed me from the job. Goodbye cruel world.
- I started playing video games way more than usual. Mainly Overwatch and Black Desert Online. I joined a guild and ended up with friends and a boyfriend.
- Said boyfriend was garbage trash and we did not last long. I had suspicions he was into another girl. He denied it. A month later, they are dating. I probably took it harder than most because that was my first relationship as an adult. Now I look back and I feel queesy for letting myself be manipulated.
- I had to cram a summer class at a college two hours away from me via bus. I showed up. I passed that class. I’ve never felt more accomplished.
- Passing that class allowed me to be admitted into a university, where I start today.
- I still play a lot of video games.
On top of all of this commotion, I am still searching to find myself and the adult I am supposed to be. I am unemployed and drowning in debt because I did not have the guidance to show me right from wrong financially. I am still deemed uncreditworthy to the world because I have student loans. America is such a vibrant, weird place. Somehow I am supposed to be angry and riot and march in the streets while somehow be able to juggle a life and school and depression.
June was especially hard for me because my two best friends got married to each other and moved to Virginia. I love them so much and the heartache from not being able to pop by their house causes my face to swell with incoming tears. I spent my birthday there last year, they were not home, but the boy I like and I sat on the couch watching all of the Harry Potter movies, while we ate up all of their food. Their house was my escape, and now I have none. They offer time and time again for me to move out there with them, but the idea of moving away from a big city and away from my family seems haunting.
Not to switch topics, but ever since my breakup, I have been questioning my life and sexuality. Identifying as asexual in 2017 already comes with it’s own set of challenges, but being in a relationship changed a lot for me. I was lucky that it was long distance, and I think it let me really see what I valued in a relationship. It confirmed a few things for me: for starters, I do not need physical contact. In fact, I liked the distance. Not that I was not up to any good, but it allowed me to have the space I needed. It was a bit awkward explaining to people that “yes, he is real. he is just not here.” It confirmed that what I really was looking for was to feel validated as a person, to feel loved. Love changes your thinking, and that was probably the scariest bit. I started to think, “what if in the future, my partner wants kids?” and other scenarios. It has to be one of those things that you have to think about when it is time to cross that bridge I guess.
I have a series of essays that I wrote for a communications class that I think will go well here. The first one is about how my abnormal upbringing shaped my media consumption. It is super short, around five paragraphs, but it is an interesting glimpse into my life.
The song below is by an artist named Joji. If you never heard of him, it is not surprising. He releases a lot of music under the name Pink Guy (if you do not know who Pink Guy is, uh, his music is very NSFW) which I’m not a fan of, but Joji is a lo-fi project that sounds very beautiful to me.
And if the stars collide, will she relieve my soul?
When we feel alive I know she’ll let me go
When you read my lips, I know you feel my cold
But I promise you my heart is made of gold