Usually I start with a word or saying in Japanese, but this time, I just want to talk.
In 5 days, I turn 25. Maybe I’ve having a quarter century crisis, or maybe I finally woke up and saw how uncomfortable my life truly is. I feel like more often than not, I wake up wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, anything. Unless you’ve truly experienced that, you don’t get it.
I find it funny though because on my last blog post I said I wasn’t depressed. Maybe I was in denial. There’s some factors involved.
As most of my readers know, I’m asexual. Or so I can safely assume for now. I’ve had these pockets recently where I think maybe I’m demisexual. But this tweet pretty much sums it up:
I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being close to people. I’m afraid of people analyzing me as a person. I’m afraid of people seeing me for who I truly am, not covered by clothes or a loud personality or shielded by friends. However, at the same time, I long for it all. I long for someone to look at me and feel a moment of excitement or longing. I want to feel needed.
I’m currently watching this Korean drama “This is My First Life,” and the main character, although it’s hinted, and briefly talked about, is asexual. Without giving away the plot, he enters a “relationship” with a girl, she cooks, cleans, pays ultra discounted rent, and he provides a roof over her head and food. There’s some implied exclusivity, but you never know.
And to be honest, there is someone that I like. But I don’t even know what I want. To me, a relationship is essentially best friends that maintain constant communication with occasional hand holding and a few other special perks. I feel like shit because I know it will never amount to what I want, and I hate that it tears me up inside. I feel like crap because I feel like crap. What a feeling. I constantly check my phone to see if he responded, get upset and swear him off when there’s nothing, light up like the moon when he does, forgetting the curses I spewed earlier. The infatuation stays put because my needs and his probably don’t line up anywhere.
I dont know, maybe if I didn’t have crippling self-esteem and anxiety issues, I would be okay.
On top of all of this, my mother and I have been fighting every single day. We cannot agree on anything. It’s a combination of me having resentment for how she treated me as a child, in comparison to how she treats my sister, me being 25 and needing my own space, and my mother going through menopause and not understand all of the above. I can’t even begin to describe how many times I’ve cried this month over our arguments.
What’s worse is when there seems like there’s no end in sight.
I know I can’t afford to move out. So I just do what I can and try to steer clear. I just go to bed and make 11:11 wishes that somehow, it all works out. That sometime in the future I can have a life that I don’t mind living and waking up to.
I’m drowning, drowning in the thought of you.