This is My First Life

Usually I start with a word or saying in Japanese, but this time, I just want to talk.

 

In 5 days, I turn 25. Maybe I’ve having a quarter century crisis, or maybe I finally woke up and saw how uncomfortable my life truly is. I feel like more often than not, I wake up wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, anything. Unless you’ve truly experienced that, you don’t get it.

I find it funny though because on my last blog post I said I wasn’t depressed. Maybe I was in denial. There’s some factors involved.

As most of my readers know, I’m asexual. Or so I can safely assume for now. I’ve had these pockets recently where I think maybe I’m demisexual. But this tweet pretty much sums it up:

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I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being close to people. I’m afraid of people analyzing me as a person. I’m afraid of people seeing me for who I truly am, not covered by clothes or a loud personality or shielded by friends. However, at the same time, I long for it all. I long for someone to look at me and feel a moment of excitement or longing. I want to feel needed.

I’m currently watching this Korean drama “This is My First Life,” and the main character, although it’s hinted, and briefly talked about, is asexual. Without giving away the plot, he enters a “relationship” with a girl, she cooks, cleans, pays ultra discounted rent, and he provides a roof over her head and food. There’s some implied exclusivity, but you never know.

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And to be honest, there is someone that I like. But I don’t even know what I want. To me, a relationship is essentially best friends that maintain constant communication with occasional hand holding and a few other special perks. I feel like shit because I know it will never amount to what I want, and I hate that it tears me up inside. I feel like crap because I feel like crap. What a feeling. I constantly check my phone to see if he responded, get upset and swear him off when there’s nothing, light up like the moon when he does, forgetting the curses I spewed earlier. The infatuation stays put because my needs and his probably don’t line up anywhere.

I dont know, maybe if I didn’t have crippling self-esteem and anxiety issues, I would be okay.

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On top of all of this, my mother and I have been fighting every single day. We cannot agree on anything. It’s a combination of me having resentment for how she treated me as a child, in comparison to how she treats my sister, me being 25 and needing my own space, and my mother going through menopause and not understand all of the above. I can’t even begin to describe how many times I’ve cried this month over our arguments.

What’s worse is when there seems like there’s no end in sight.

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Almost $1200 a month for a 268ft studio.

I know I can’t afford to move out. So I just do what I can and try to steer clear. I just go to bed and make 11:11 wishes that somehow, it all works out. That sometime in the future I can have a life that I don’t mind living and waking up to.

 

I’m drowning, drowning in the thought of you.

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This is My First Life

Impromptu Thoughts #1

A list of things in my mind that I needed to share.

  1. I’m gonna have a bad night out on my bed now and then again lol. This was a sentence made by only pressing the middle button on my phone.
  2. I started applying for jobs again now that I have a set schedule. The goal is to spend 4 days in Virginia and 3 near Boston in mid January. The flights are relatively cheap which makes me excited, but I still need go gather funds. I started thinking of things to sell but ever since I moved, I don’t have much.
  3. I really wish bugs were not attracted to my skin, because I’m tired to scratching everywhere in the summer.
  4. I finally got my dang car fixed. $500 that could have been used for my trip went to my car.
  5. I’m having increasingly deep conversations with someone I like and I cannot muster up the courage to ask what everything means. Maybe it means nothing. Maybe it’s me hoping finally he sees my potential. Too bad he’s too late.

    I told you guys he did say “please no.”
  6. I’ve been eating like shit the past few days and I’m stressing because I want to look amazing for my trip and I’m tired of the doctors being faux disappointed in me.
  7. I wish that more people would text me. It makes me feel less lonely.
  8. I have to keep reminding myself that sexuality is fluid and to ask genders and that’s not a good thing.
  9. I’m writing a short story about growing up mixed in a neighborhood that didn’t care that I was. Should be a boring read.
  10. I can barely keep my eyes open.
    I hope my car lives long and prospers

    Recorded September 14th, 2017 at 2:25AM

Impromptu Thoughts #1

存在 (Sonzai)

存在 (Sonzai) – existence

I meant to post last week, but in a strange turn of events, I am glad I did not.

I am certainly not depressed. Although 5 out of 5 buzzfeed quizzes says I am. I remember being actually depressed in 2012 where I did not leave my room for a month and a half, cycling through books and Netflix until I snapped out of it. One of the few memories I definitely remember during that time was taking my paycheck, cashing it, spending half of it on books I never read, and a movie. I walked home and let tears fall. I did not want to be that sad but I did not know how to fix it. There is an overlying stigma being raised in a minority family where mental health is this taboo thing and things can be cured by “not thinking about it.”

Many lonely days were spent at the beach.

 

I do not have a lot of fears. I have the usual bunch, like snakes and spiders, but the one fear I have the hangs over me the most is this fear of rejection. Rejection manifests itself in many forms in my life. It is not like, “oh I applied for this job and I did not get it,” but more of “I do not want to talk to this stranger in fear that they will not like me.” A social anxiety. This comes up often where suddenly, I will lose a friend. This happened a week or so a go when a friend expressed that he liked me, but I could not return the feeling. It felt like in an instant, a friend I had imagined great times with disappeared without a trace. I tried grasping with the little I had and ultimately, it did not work. However, I am forever grateful to a friend who stepped up unknowingly to help me get through the dark place I was at. I never told him exactly what I was feeling but his words comforted me so much, it felt like a dream. In the moment where I could have reverted back to the 2012 me, I am sitting on my couch, happy.

School has been a weird process for me. As usual, I show up to class, do the work, and leave. It is nostalgic being at the university I first attended seven years ago, but this time, I do not have my then best friend by my side. I remember the first week we finished classes, we treated ourselves to pizza. That place is gone now. The campus is the same except her voice is missing. I look at the couples and pairs of friends walking down the sidewalk and I want that too. I keep reminding myself that who cares? I strolled down the club fair waiting for anyone behind the tables to realize that I was the only one browsing without anyone to chatter with. I picked up fliers for marching band and an esports club, both of which I probably will not attend because the chances of me driving an hour to campus on a day I do not have class is probably zero.

I cook when I’m sad

 

This blog post that was supposed to chronicle how good life is right now, and somehow I did the opposite. What else can I say to make this depressing? Oh, today I tried a pickup line on someone. The response was “please no.”

存在 (Sonzai)

Essay Project #1 – Shelter

Growing up, I did not have the luxuries of enjoying “mass media.” My family was poor. We were mostly concerned with making sure our business didn’t fail, or how we would eat that night. Riding the school bus in the morning with the other kids was filled with me listening to what happened that night on TV, and then regurgitating what I heard to my friends to seem like I was in the know. Every so often, I’d get to sit next to the boy who owned a CD player, and he’d graciously let me listen to a song or two if he was in the mood. I mostly consumed free books from the library (which ended up being quite costly when I forgot to return them) and the radio my mom listened to during the few years we had a car. I only watched TV when I visited my Grandmother’s house in the summer. Rarely was she watching anything but the news and soap operas, but the few times she changed, she would watch old sci-fi movies like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (science fiction still remains my favorite genre of film) or Jaws. But I cannot forget one summer we got a TV and a DVD player. Suddenly, and with thanks to the man who sold illegal copies of movies on the corner, I could see all of the movies my friends were seeing and talk about them. I could understand the weird jokes and references on the school bus.

Jeana-Woody
I fucking loved Woody from Toy Story.

Growing up, I was also very religious. A large portion of my family happened to be Jehovah’s Witnesses, which preach strongly about the dangers of the media. The media was filled with violence, deceit, and all other sins that would not be pleasing to God. Abstaining from politics and other worldly matters meant the news was watched sparingly. That summer when we got the TV, my brother and I would sneak and watch Saturday morning cartoons before my parents got up. Thankfully the best cartoons were on channel 5, so we didn’t need cable. I remember watching Jackie Chan Adventures and looking past the violence. I remember watching Pokemon and not realizing that it stood for pocket monsters and I’d probably be on punishment if they knew. I didn’t realize that it was changing my perspective on the world around me. Now I consume media without any thought process about how it affects me, except for the paranormal, that’s still too much for me.

It’s a slippery slope for someone once emerged in religion to figure out there’s other ways of living. One day, I’m watching Pokemon, and the next I’m checking out Harry Potter at the library. I can never forget the day my mother found the book. I was sitting on the couch, speed reading as usual, when she snatched the book from me and scolded me for what felt like hours. She placed the book on the patio and told me in the morning I needed to return it immediately. I didn’t understand why it was a big deal. I was reading fiction. It was not like I was in the living room practicing witchcraft; but to her, it was. After Harry Potter, it was a relatively peaceful life until high school. In 2006, my freshman year was the turning point of the internet. No longer was the internet a tool for typing essays, but a social gathering place for everyone. I got a MySpace, my mother found that. Xanga, she found that too. But each site exposed me to more and more things I was sheltered away from. Combine that with the sheltered things other people found too and it’s safe to call high school a cesspool of experimentation. I remember watching TV at my grandmother’s house and wanting to imitate the people on the screen, mostly to fit in with my peers. I did notice that there wasn’t a lot of people on the screen who looked like me. If there were any people of color, they were almost a caricature or if they were portrayed as normal, something was off.

Jeana-Woody2
No seriously. Like, a lot.

I cannot recall today a show I’ve watched were the family on TV was struggling to eat or clothe themselves. I also cannot recall a show I’ve watched where a family owned a business and the anxiety of the business failing is such a heavy burden it’s hard for them to sleep at night. It could be that the average media consumer does not want to see what the lower income bracket truly lives at. I remember finding out at school that people actually had maids that come once a week to clean their house. I was sitting in 8th grade physics and a student said she needed an extension because “the maid accidentally threw out her project.” I was using free lunch tickets while the girl next to me had a maid. I was wearing the same few clothes shuffled around and others can afford to pay people to do what I slaved every night to do.

Now, I’m at a point in my life where I can consume mass media freely. I go to watch a film bi-weekly, if not weekly. My car radio station is mostly tuned into NPR. I can probably say that 90% of the TV shows I watch are produced in another country, especially countries where I feel we share the same morals and values. I don’t think the creator of Pokemon expected his show to change my stances on religion and spearhead my love and hatred of media. I do credit him fully though. The media has also given me a sense of self. I see how people of color and women are portrayed in the media and it makes me want to be a producer of media itself to give them a voice. To give people like myself, who grew up poor, black, a target, and all these other statistics a voice because the media would much rather focus their attention on middle to upper class white families, whose daily struggle includes their maids throwing out research projects. The media sent out a message, and I received it.

Essay Project #1 – Shelter

銘記 (Meiki)

銘記 (meiki) – remember

I was cleaning up my Twitter account when I remembered I started this blog. I cannot believe once again, another blog project failed for me. It is almost as if failing things I start tends to be a habitual trend in my life. Let us see if I can recap the entire year and a half you missed out on.

  1. I quit working as a travel agent to focus on school, but then it was fruitless when my teacher dropped me because I had too many abscenses from work.
  2. I worked at a gaming cafe where they paid me under the table in cash.
  3. I tried school again in the fall. My grandfather died in the middle of the semester. I was a wreck. Dropped out again.
  4. Started working at a startup that was one of the best jobs I have had. It gave me the opportunity to work in the music industry, and I could work from home. The one day I come into the office, I spill coffee on my Macbook Pro. I miss you so much. Since I did not have a laptop, that pretty much nixed me from the job. Goodbye cruel world.
  5. I started playing video games way more than usual. Mainly Overwatch and Black Desert Online. I joined a guild and ended up with friends and a boyfriend.
  6. Said boyfriend was garbage trash and we did not last long. I had suspicions he was into another girl. He denied it. A month later, they are dating. I probably took it harder than most because that was my first relationship as an adult. Now I look back and I feel queesy for letting myself be manipulated.
  7. I had to cram a summer class at a college two hours away from me via bus. I showed up. I passed that class. I’ve never felt more accomplished.
  8. Passing that class allowed me to be admitted into a university, where I start today.
  9. I still play a lot of video games.
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Not listed but my aunt adopted two great danes. This is the younger cutie named Dory.

On top of all of this commotion, I am still searching to find myself and the adult I am supposed to be. I am unemployed and drowning in debt because I did not have the guidance to show me right from wrong financially. I am still deemed uncreditworthy to the world because I have student loans. America is such a vibrant, weird place. Somehow I am supposed to be angry and riot and march in the streets while somehow be able to juggle a life and school and depression.

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The only friend that I have left in Los Angeles. We met sophomore year in high school when she randomly walked up to me and asked if I wanted to join marching band. Why did I say yes.

June was especially hard for me because my two best friends got married to each other and moved to Virginia. I love them so much and the heartache from not being able to pop by their house causes my face to swell with incoming tears. I spent my birthday there last year, they were not home, but the boy I like and I sat on the couch watching all of the Harry Potter movies, while we ate up all of their food. Their house was my escape, and now I have none. They offer time and time again for me to move out there with them, but the idea of moving away from a big city and away from my family seems haunting.

Not to switch topics, but ever since my breakup, I have been questioning my life and sexuality. Identifying as asexual in 2017 already comes with it’s own set of challenges, but being in a relationship changed a lot for me. I was lucky that it was long distance, and I think it let me really see what I valued in a relationship. It confirmed a few things for me: for starters, I do not need physical contact. In fact, I liked the distance. Not that I was not up to any good, but it allowed me to have the space I needed. It was a bit awkward explaining to people that “yes, he is real. he is just not here.” It confirmed that what I really was looking for was to feel validated as a person, to feel loved. Love changes your thinking, and that was probably the scariest bit. I started to think, “what if in the future, my partner wants kids?” and other scenarios. It has to be one of those things that you have to think about when it is time to cross that bridge I guess.

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These june bugs harassed me all summer. At one point, three of them attacked.

I have a series of essays that I wrote for a communications class that I think will go well here. The first one is about how my abnormal upbringing shaped my media consumption. It is super short, around five paragraphs, but it is an interesting glimpse into my life.

The song below is by an artist named Joji. If you never heard of him, it is not surprising. He releases a lot of music under the name Pink Guy (if you do not know who Pink Guy is, uh, his music is very NSFW) which I’m not a fan of, but Joji is a lo-fi project that sounds very beautiful to me.

And if the stars collide, will she relieve my soul?
When we feel alive I know she’ll let me go
When you read my lips, I know you feel my cold
But I promise you my heart is made of gold
銘記 (Meiki)

表題 (Hyoudai)

表題(hyoudai)ー title

I’ve been feeling like crap lately.

I went out the other night with some old co-workers and there was this guy there who I couldn’t really stand. I met him the week prior when we all hung out and he just rubbed me the wrong way. This time, we actually talked a bit, but I got the feeling he was not actually taking to heart what I was talking about. Almost as if my opinion didn’t really matter. I don’t know if I want to actually speak to him again, even though we had a lot of things in common. Apparently he’s going through a divorce, which is pretty rough at 26 but it’s hard to be upset with someone who’s hurting.

I saw 10 Cloverfield Lane the day after. It made me wish I was still in film. I miss actualizing projects more than anything.

I’ve been trying to partition my MBP so I can run Windows as well and it’s not going well. I think I finally realized that my computer is 6 years old and it’s time to give up the ghost. I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable buying a Windows laptop, but I used my friend’s Surface Pro and that was okay. I would love a Chromebook but I wouldn’t be able to do much programming. I was in the process of gathering materials to build my own computer when I messed up and my partner was disappointed.

I don’t have pictures today because I’m lazy but here’s a song. It’s one of my favorite songs to play on the ukulele.

 

表題 (Hyoudai)

変更 (Henkou)

変更 (henkou) ー change

So I’m not sure if I mentioned this before my I currently work as a travel counselor. I essentially book travel for the wealthy and elite with credit cards with no limit and I get to plan their vacations or business trips. It’s been 9 months so far and I can say I love the job but management is straight trash. I almost quit based on management alone. However, work has some perks. Insert: Hyatt Games. 

Hyatt asked a few travel counselors to come party with them. I always say yes to free parties. I don’t mingle with anyone (aka the whole purpose of going) but I will accept your free top shelf liquor and fancy food. The hotel event was at the Andaz in West Hollywood. The hotel, which is in a predominantly gay neighborhood, was vibrant and soaked up the essence of the surrounding neighborhood. The view was phenomenal. 

 

The view from the rooftop terrace entrence.
 
The point of the evening was to get to know the Hyatt hotels and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be impressed enough to push their hotels before any other company. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I reuse to publicly comment on my decision.

   
    

The mini winery on site aka my favorite part
 
It was a nice event though. There was a scavenger hunt and one of the tasks was “take a picture of a dessert.” One of the sous chefs came out and made me a desert on the spot. It was green tea ice cream stuffed mochi, a raspberry demi glase, and soured blueberries and raspberries. I could have cried it was so delicious.  

Hands of a God

I also moved desks today at work to prepare for my new shift at work. Several people in the office have recommended that I buy Lysol to keep near me because the guy I sit next to is a slob. Fantastic. I was also advised not to take anything from him, especially food. Yikes. 

 

My old desk featuring my husband Kim Woo Bin
 
It’s nice not having to get up at 6AM but there goes my video game sessions. 

I don’t really have a song for you today. I’m going to share a song that was made by one of my longest internet friends, Eddie. He makes amazing music and he’s been on MTV a couple of times. Always support your friends!

変更 (Henkou)